"I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake."
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
"Few people think more than two or three times a year. I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week."
"Merchant (n): One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar."
"Age before beauty; and pearls before swine."
"No, Ernest, don't talk about actionÖ. It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream."
"Man can acquire accomplishments or he can become an animal, whichever he wants. God makes the animals, man makes himself."
"No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel - anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under such difficult conditions."
"Anyone who thinks there's safety in numbers hasn't looked at the stock market pages."
"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
"The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague."
"Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny -- Did you ever try buying them without money?"
"I can't forgive my friends for dying; I don't find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing."
"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid."
"One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening."
"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
"Mincing your words makes it easier if you have to eat them later."
"More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
"Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them."
"The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands."
"We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong."
"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
"The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated."
"They sicken of the calm who know the storm."
"The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted."
"Don't expect other nations to have a democracy like ours - they don't have enough lawyers."
"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."
"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."
"The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match."
"You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it."
"No man ever quite believes in any other man."
"O all who give and receive gifts, such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the magi."
"All censorships exist to prevent any one from challenging current conceptions and existing institutions. All progress is initiated by challenging current conceptions, and executed by supplanting existing institutions. Consequently the first condition of progress is the removal of censorships."
"As citizens of this democracy, you are the rulers and the ruled, the law-givers and the law-abiding, the beginning and the end."
"Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did."
"Reading is like permitting a man to talk a long time, and refusing you the right to answer."
"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating."
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."
"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
"To have friends, you know, one need only be good-natured; but when a man has no enemy left there must be something mean about him."
"Try to relax and enjoy the crisis."
"Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own."
"Rosencrants and Guildenstern are Dead (1967) act 3 If rationality were the criterion of things being allowed to exist, the world would be a gigantic field of soya beans."
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 Rs, only one begins with an R."
"We have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children."
"If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
"Buy land. They've stopped making it."
"Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it."
"The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself."