Steven Wright
130 quotes
Biography
Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer and film producer. He is known for his distinctive lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."
"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"
"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."
"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."
"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."
"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."
"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."