"Boy, life takes a long time to live"
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost went back in time."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night."
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night."
"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said "Breakfast, any time" - so I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance."
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it."
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it."
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance."
"If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?"
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific."
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to my friend - he said, `Do I know you?'"
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there."
"One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators."