"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"
"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
"I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you."
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down."
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
"I went to New York University and I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
"Why are our days numbered and no, say, lettered?"
"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
"All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia."
"The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more."
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."