Woody Allen
244 quotes
Biography
Heywood "Woody" Allen is an American filmmaker, actor, writer, and comedian. In a career spanning more than seven decades, he has written for film, television, and theater.
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."
"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."
"To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
"God is silent. Now if only man would shut up."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."
"I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment."
"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."
"If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."
"I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."
"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
"Marriage is the death of hope."
"I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic."
"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."
"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."
"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."