Henny Youngman
48 quotes
Biography
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"Take my wife - please!"
"Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One.""
"My first Hollywood picture wasn't released, it escaped."
"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother,"
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
"My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator."
"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."
"My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake."
"My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea."
"My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree."
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"
"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."
"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"
"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."