"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home."
"In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!"
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
"I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that."
"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you."
"I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.""
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend."
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
"We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.... But we're going back next week."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."