Groucho Marx
79 quotes
Biography
Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx was an American comedian, actor, comic vocalist and game show host who performed in vaudeville, Broadway, films, radio, and television. A master of the one-line retort, he is considered one of America's greatest comedians.
"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know."
"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun."
"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."[A Night at the Opera]"
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today."
"A likely story — and probably true."
"Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age."
"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER"."
"[Variant:] "Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member"."
"Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet! (Variation on an old Royal Navy wardroom toast: "Wives and Sweethearts! May they never meet!")"
"They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest."