"In India, cold weather is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy."
"In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
"Damn the subjunctive. It brings all writers to shame."
"If you can't stand solitude, perhaps others find you boring as well."
"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
"Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run."
"Worrying about something is like paying interest on a debt you don't even know if you owe."
"Sacred cows make the best hamburger."
"Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to know because I have done it a thousand times."
"It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing - I used to be a good boy."
"A thing long expected takes the form of unexpected when at last it comes."
"In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."
"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."
"I'll learn him or kill him."
"They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
"The trouble isn't that there are too many fools, but that the lightning isn't distributed right."
"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist."
"On with the dance, let joy be unconfined, is my motto; whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfine."
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
"We do not deal much in facts when we are contemplating ourselves."