"Politics: A strife of interest masquerading as a contest of principles."
"Revelations (n): A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing."
"Physician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well."
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher."
"Auctioneer (n): The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue."
"Mouth (n): In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart."
"The wine of Arpad Haraszthy has a bouquet all its own. It tickles and titillates the palate. It gurgles as it slips down the alimentary canal. It warms the cockles of the heart, and it burns the sensitive lining of the stomach."
"Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized."
"Koran (n): A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scripture."
"Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."
"Quorum (n): A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it."
"Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue."
"Alliance. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third."
"History is an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools."
"Idiot (n): A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line."
"Noise: (noun) A stench in the ear. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization."
"A prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support."
"Academy: A modern school where football is taught."
"A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others."
"Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker."
"When you are ill make haste to forgive your enemies, for you may recover."
"There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy."
"Abstainer. A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."
"Friendship: A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul."
"A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring."