Humor Quotes
3,665 quotes
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
"Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results."
"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
"I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!"
"Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company."
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could."
"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment."
"Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint."
"It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."
"Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?"
"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?""Yes,"said Harry stiffly."Yes, sir.""There's no need to call me "sir"Professor."The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying."
"Jesus!"Luke exclaimed."Actually, it's just me,"said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling."
"Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources"
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."
"I don't want to be a man,"said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.""Well,"said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job."
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
"This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
"He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo."
"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."
"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
"Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?"Harry interrupted again."So he can sneak up on people,"said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking..."
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin."Need I say more?"
"Never memorize something that you can look up."
"Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?""Yes.""You called her a liar?""Yes.""You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?""Yes.""Have a biscuit, Potter."
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."
"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
"It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'."
"Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?"asked Jace."It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath.""As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome,"said Simon."I knew we should have left you a rat."
"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."
"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
"Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane.""They didn't,"Magnus said. "Your wards are down.""Really?"the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you."He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down."
"Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,"said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot.""Forever?"said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it,"he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?"
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?"and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off."
"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?"
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
"Happiness is a warm puppy."
"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
"So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall."
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