Chris Rock
116 quotes
Biography
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin."Need I say more?"
"I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day."
"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."
"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."
"A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage."
"You can't beat white people, you can only knock them out."
"You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips."
"I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty."
"Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing."
"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."
"Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple – Gwyneth Paltrow."
"The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl.""
"Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!"
"When I heard they were trying and get rid of the word "nigga", I told my accountant to buy 800 shares of "coon"."
"You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz."
"George Bush hates midgets."
"Yo, what's up! This is Chris Rock, and I'm with my man Lil Jon, and we stay in the club! We live in the club! We die in the club! We get our car washed in the club! We go to school in the club! We go to the cleaners in the club! We do everything in the motherfucking club! We go to church in the club! We never leave the motherfucking club! We pay our taxes in the club! We go to library in the club!"
"Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays."
"They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come."
"Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks"
"Here's the thing. I know it's hard being a cop. I know it's hard. I know that shit's dangerous. I know it is, OK? But some jobs can't have bad apples. OK? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. Like— pilots. You know? American Airlines can't be like, "You know, most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples, that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.""
"Jada, I love you. G.I. Jane 2, can't wait to see it, all right?"
"Oh, wow! Wow! Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me. [...] That was a... greatest night in the history of television, okay."
"Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95."
"A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!"