George Carlin
193 quotes
Biography
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
"Meow” means “woof” in cat."
"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I"in independence, individuality and integrity."
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."
"How is it possible to have a civil war?"
"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
"I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."
"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"