Comedy Quotes
922 quotes
"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin."Need I say more?"
"Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear."
"Lord, what fools these mortals be!"
"The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think."
"Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
"Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway."
"Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel."
"Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more."
"He shook his head. "The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I'm going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say? I say, thank you. Then I tell you I like yours and what do I hear? A long lists of grievances."
"Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe."
"You think I'd cheat on you?"I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster."With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat."
"As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it."
"My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate."
"When stuck in outer space, moonwalk home. I can dance as well as any hitchhiker in the galaxy, and you can 42 off if you don’t believe me."
"People won't buy study guides for a dollar, but they will pay 100 dollars for test answers. A #startup should keep this mentality in mind."
"She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience—and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones."
"It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen."
"Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."
"Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?"
"Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees."
"I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it"
"There is no greater power than that of a laugh and happiness is a force which can save a person from the horrors of the world."
"The life of every individual, viewed as a whole and in general, and when only its most significant features are emphasized, is really a tragedy; but gone through in detail it has the character of a comedy."
"Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"
"Just relax and breathe through your ass."
"Cause if you shoot a bullet someone dies. If you drop a bomb many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But if you say the F-word... nothing actually happens."
"Who are you and how did you get in here?""I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."
"So you want me to go to a human orgy, where I will not be welcome, and you want us to leave before I get to enjoy myself? ~Eric Northman"
"Tsuyokini,honkiMutekini,sutekiGenki,yuuki!--Kusakabe Maron"
"They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down."
"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."
"Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people."
"To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it."
"...you're either gonna spend your life fucking pussy, or taking it to church."
"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."
"The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker."
"Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles."
"If you cannot find an element of Humour in something, your not taking it seriously enough."
"A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!"
"Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways."~ Amunhotep El Bey"
"If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten"
"Where have all the Fembots gone?"
"Don’t do anything stupid.""Don’t worry," I whispered over the line, "I’m an expert on stupid.""You’re...""Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator.""Never say that word again," Prof said."
"You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself."
"Miss Butterworth and the Mad Baron,” Sebastian said approvingly. “Excellent choice.”“You have read this?” Alexei asked.“It’s not as good as Miss Davenport and the Dark Marquis, of course, but worlds better than Miss Sainsbury and the Mysterious Colonel.”Harry found himself rendered speechless.“I’m reading Miss Truesdale and the Silent Gentleman right now.”“Silent?” Harry echoed.“There is a noticeable lack of dialogue,” Sebastian confirmed."
"Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all."
"You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!"
"Does talking to yourself in the voice of your fictional character count as being social?"
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