Craig Ferguson
123 quotes
Biography
"I realized women and humor were linked very closely."
"I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's."
"He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't."
"I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable."
"Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'."
"Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape."
"I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps."
"I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die."
"She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women."
"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."
"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."
"Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations."
"I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page."
"Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain."
"In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you."
"I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie."
"Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!"
"He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him."
"As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!"
"You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you."
"Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!"
"I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me."
"He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name."
"That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself."
"I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't."