Kathy Griffin
107 quotes
Biography
Kathleen Mary Griffin is an American comedian and actress who has starred in television series, comedy specials and has released multiple comedy albums. In 2007 and 2008, Griffin won Primetime Emmy Awards for her reality show Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List.
"A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor."
"I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners."
"A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!"
"Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is- suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now!"
"4th booster f**kers. Oh, and CVS gave us EIGHT free Covid tests for getting boosted!"
"You know what's great about my mom? She compulsively swears and doesn't know it. Like...I mean, she doesn't have Tourettes. I could never get that lucky. Can you imagine how it would be to have parents with Tourettes? I would be in heaven...but anyway. That is one funny fucking disease."
"Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let's talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says "telly" instead of "television" and she uses the word "actually" way too much and then she's also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she's being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she's got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, "Well, Madonna, we're so glad to have you at the Golden Globes." (speaks in Madonna British accent) "Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly". You know. Look, I'm from the midwest- its a TV."
"There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass."
"(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book."
"She (Mariah Carey) could not fuck more black rappers. Oh, yeah. If your name is "Puff" or "Daddy," she'll fuck you."
"She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it."
"I don't know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets."
"So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)"
"Don't you love the new crazy Britney, she's our new Liza."
"Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar."
"I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky." Allegedly."
"I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues."
"Apparently, Courtney Love was at Whitney's "intervention". And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hittin the pipe too hard, well, things are bad! They're really bad!"
"(Recalling her conversation with Anna Nicole Smith eating lunch) All of a sudden, she takes a bite of something and she goes like this (makes a disgusted face) "I don't lahk it." I go, "What's the matter, honey?" and she goes "I don't lahk it. I thought it was mashed pataters." PA-TAY-TERS! I heard it with my own ears. PATATERS. Britney probably wants to marry her now. So, anyway, I looked on her plate and said, "No, it's polenta" and, I swear to God, she looks at me and goes "Pimento?" I said, "No, that's an olive. "Polenta"- it's like mushed-up cornmeal." She goes, "I don't lahk it. I thought..." Mashed pateters, I got it."
"(Recalling her speech at an AMFAR event that was intended to be a parody of Sharon Stone's earlier speech, reciting the lyrics to John Lennon's "Imagine".) Ladies and gentlemen, I am so honored to be here and Sharon spoke so eloquently before that it reminded me of something I once read a long time ago. You ain't nothin but a hound dog. Oh, gosh, that reminds me, many years ago I was walking down the street in Memphis and I said, "Whoa- that's Elvis"...and I fucked him. I fucked him hard. I did, I did. Sure, he called me 'Cilla the whole time, but I didn't mind. (sobbing) Cryin' all the time, well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine."
"I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits....and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!"
"When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it...........and come back!"
"Uma Thurman is there.......with her big bag of BS!"
"Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience."
"I am going after everybody. I'm going after Paltrow. Fuck her. Fuck her!"