"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something."
"I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face."
"One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people."
"I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?"
"I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight."
"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."
"If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now."
"With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me."
"I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave."
"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."
"She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to."
"You know what I like most about people? Pets."
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale."
"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."
"She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you"with "May I take your order?"
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."
"I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home."
"If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence."
"I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick."
"If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public."