Humour Quotes
3,455 quotes
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"Do you hate people?”“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around."
"Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear."
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."
"I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room."
"Finnick?"I say, "Maybe some pants?"He looks down at his legs as if noticing his outfit for the first time. Then he whips off his hospital gown leaving him in just his underwear. "Why? Do you find this"-- he strikes a ridiculously provocative pose -- "distracting?"I laugh. Boggs looks embarrassed and Finnick looks more like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell"
"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."
"Headline?"he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'"I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'"he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'"I said."
"If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them."
"I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?"
"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."
"So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.''Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
"Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait."
"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,"he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"
"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather."
"I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel."
"I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!"
"The human body is the best work of art."
"If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!"
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."
"Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay."
"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty."
"I don't deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts."
"A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement"
"Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke."
"We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works."
"I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?"
"I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine."
"I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat"bullshit. We're a virus with shoes."
"Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail..."
"Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up."
"V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love."
"FEAR stands for fuck everything and run."
"Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future."
"Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them."
"My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism."
"We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you"
"Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay."
"Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn't."
"I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck."
"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible."The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."
"I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within."
"I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like."
"Okay, this is the wisdom. First, time spent on reconnaissanse is never wasted. Second, almost anything can be improved with the addition of bacon. And finally, there is no problem on Earth that can't be ameliorated by a hot bath and a cup of tea."
"Please, touch me, I pray."
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