Rodney Dangerfield
29 quotes
Biography
Jack Roy, better known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, screenwriter, and producer. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase "I don't get no respect!", and his monologues on that theme.
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."
"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."
"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."
"There goes the neighborhood."
"I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself."
"In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."
"What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."
"When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment."
"When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up."
"I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again."
"My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks."
"I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped."
"A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.""
"I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it."
"I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get."
"I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them."
"What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend."
"I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch."