Funny Quotes
980 quotes
"Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear."
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin."Need I say more?"
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
"What the hell is that?"I laughed."It's my fox hat.""Your fox hat?""Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.""Why are you wearing your fox hat?"I asked."Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox."
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,"he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably."
"Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep."
"I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me."
"Headline?"he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'"I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'"he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'"I said."
"Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane"
"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?"
"Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl"I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay."
"Um...is that thing tame?"Frank said.The horse whinnied angrily."I don't think so,"Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'."
"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."
"I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist"
"Perv."He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?"
"She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it.."
"Never miss a good chance to shut up."
"What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes."
"Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"
"Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time."
"I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?"
"Puns are the highest form of literature."
"I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight."
"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."
"Don't gobblefunk around with words."
"I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here."
"If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now."
"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
"Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!"
"I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave."
"You…you got rid of that dress fast,"I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it.""I do like it,"he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it."And then he took me to the bed."
"You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!"
"This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this."
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
"You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!"
"Inconceivable!""You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
"Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!"
"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."
"Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait."
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