Humorous Quotes
2,099 quotes
"If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave."
"New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on #LoversLane."
"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"
"Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional."
"You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night."
"I only have so much willpower, Helen,"he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid."
"Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch."
"The better organized the state, the duller its humanity."
"I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall."
"To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans"
"Plans are invitation to disappointment."
"She bats her eyelashes like I’m throwing baseballs at them. I must be as romantic as Pete Rose’s last name."
"I'm infatuated with you, I cannot deny it. Physically speaking, you're a very attractive man. But I don't like you, the vast majority of the time. So far as I can gather, you behave abominably in public and are only marginally better in private. I only find you remotely tolerable when you're kissing me."
"When stuck in outer space, moonwalk home. I can dance as well as any hitchhiker in the galaxy, and you can 42 off if you don’t believe me."
"The real problem with stories - if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
"She shook her head as she confessed, "I want it so much, I'm afraid to hope.""Never be afraid to hope,"Rohan said gently. "It's the only way to begin."-Rohan to Win"
"One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace."
"Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants."
"I strive for perfection - I settle for satisfaction"
"Be generous with your smile and try not to frown.And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺"
"He had had a severe shock some weeks earlier, when, having narrowly failed to capture a large grey-brown hare for his dinner, it had stopped at the edge of the forest, looked at him with disdain, and said, 'Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, that's all,' and had scampered off into the long grass"
"Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though."
"Create your own path.Don't blindly follow the massess... because most of the time the "M"is silent."
"Your friends can be double-edged knife thy can either nurture you or destroy you. Choose them Wisely......"
"It’s the Second Law of Thermodynamics: Sooner or later everything turns to shit."
"In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
"Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life."
"Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over the strings are still attached."
"My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine too decent too old."
"Never get married in the morning because you never know who you'll meet that night."
"When my wife was asked "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered "For richer.""
""So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter.""
"I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me I can't remember why I got married."
"American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers."
"Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear."
"Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing they marry later. For another thing they die earlier."
"A man should be taller older heavier uglier and hoarser than his wife."
"Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes."
"Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man."
"Boys don't make passes at female smart asses."
"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women."
"A secretary must think like a man act like a lady look like a girl and work like a dog."
"Leisure time is when your wife can't find you"
"Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them."
"I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school everybody hated me."
"There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband."
"Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing they marry later. For another thing they die earlier."
"A man should be taller older heavier uglier and hoarser than his wife."
"Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes."
"Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man."
Showing 50 of 2,099 quotes