Rita Rudner
79 quotes
Biography
"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
"There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better."
"I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious."
"A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe."
"We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet."
"I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one"."
"Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?""
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to."
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."
"To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside."
"[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)"
"Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag."
"I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'.""
"Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind."
"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?"
"I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident."
"I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again."
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"
"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."