2024 Quotes
262 quotes
"The day we finally get rid of HIGHMEM I will dance on its grave. I have hated that thing for a long long time."
"A third of a century. And it *still* isn't ready. I really need to get my sh*t together.."
"You're a smart person. I feel like I've given you enough hints. Why don't you sit back and think about it, and let's make it clear: you have exactly two choices here:"
"If you haven't heard of Russian sanctions yet, you should try to read the news some day. And by "news", I don't mean Russian state-sponsored spam. As to sending me a revert patch - please use whatever mush you call brains. I'm Finnish. Did you think I'd be *supporting* Russian aggression? Apparently it's not just lack of real news, it's lack of history knowledge too."
"To someone like me who talks to people all over the world and still knows America is the shining city on a hill, calling America is a trash can for the world is so unpatriotic, it makes me furious. And I will always be an American before I am a Republican. That’s why, this week, I am voting for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz on CNN"
"What kind of negotiations can we talk about with people who indiscriminately strike civilians, civilian infrastructure and try to endanger nuclear power facilities?"
"No one seems to consider whether Europeans want to jeopardise their relationship with China by getting involved in Asian affairs through NATO, creating a situation that raises concerns among regional countries, including China. I can assure you that they do not want this. Yet, they are being pulled into this, like small dogs on a leash pulled by a big fellow."
"Let me remind you once again: back in 2014, the Western countries led by the US organised, or at least supported, a coup d'etat. This is what sparked the crisis. Then, NATO has been pushed into it for many years. This is how the crisis began. And the war began in 2014, too, because they launched armed actions involving armed forces against people who didn’t accept the coup. So the war broke out in 2014."
"Russian liberal reformers in the 1990s laid the groundwork for the rise of a ruler like Putin by using despotic means to achieve the liberal goal of privatizing the economy rather than seeking to create a new political system that would institutionalize conflicts, [St. Petersburg sociologist] Elena Chernova says."
"Now, I know that the shock jocks and online instigators have effectively riled up many in the far reaches of my party. But if your position is being cheered by Vladimir Putin, then it's time to reconsider your position."
"Bad debate nights happen. Trust me, I know. But this election is still a choice between someone who has fought for ordinary folks his entire life and someone who only cares about himself. Between someone who tells the truth; who knows right from wrong and will give it to the American people straight — and someone who lies through his teeth for his own benefit. Last night didn’t change that, and it’s why so much is at stake in November."
"The stakes of this election don't make Donald Trump's opponent less subject to less scrutiny; it actually makes him more subject to scrutiny. If the barbarians are at the gate, you want Conan standing on the ramparts, not chocolate chip cookie guy."
"I've learned one thing over these last nine years, and I was glib at best and probably dismissive at worst about this -- the work of making this world resemble one that you would prefer to live in is a lunch pail fucking job, day in and day out, where thousands of committed, anonymous, smart, and dedicated people bang on closed doors and pick up those that are fallen and grind away on issues 'til they get a positive result, and even then, have to stay on to make sure that result holds. So the good news is, I'm not saying you don't have worry about who wins the election. I'm saying you have to worry about every day before it, and every day after it, forever. Although... on the plus side, I am told that, at some point, the sun will run out of hydrogen."
"Your plan to eliminate Hamas by destroying all of Gaza... Uh... doesn’t that just make more Hamases? Is that the plural of Hamas? Hamassi? I mean, Palestinian liberation is an idea, unless you have a bomb that kills ideas — do you have a bomb that kills ideas? I mean, how long would it even take to bomb the shit out of an idea?"
"Yes, it turns out in the age-old battle between values and fear, values never had a fucking chance!"
"So this is the terrible cycle America is caught in: Democrats whose high-minded principles and values did not survive a contact-high with reality, and Republicans whose desire to solve the problem isn't nearly as strong as their desire to exploit it. And no one wins."
"Look, if you wanna love Trump, love him. Go to the rallies, buy the sneakers. You want to give him absolute power? You want him to be the leader über alles? You want him to have the right of kings? You do you. But stop framing it as patriotism."
"The fuck are we doing here? The subtext of all this is, America knows this is wrong. But it apparently doesn't have the courage to say it in a straightforward manner. America and Israel both know that you cannot bomb your way into safety. We learned that lesson in Iraq and Afghanistan. They learned it in Southern Lebanon. They laid seige there, occupied the southern area for 20 years, all it did was birth and strengthen Hezbollah. And they're about to do it all over again, and we are letting them. Real friends take the fucking keys, because friends don't let friends... bomb that much."
"Whether it's globalization or industrialization or now Artificial Intelligence, the way of life that you are accustomed to is no match for the promise of more profits and new markets, which sounds brutal! ...if you're a human."
"Kudos to the United States and to Israel! It shows just how effective a military defense system can be when you funnel American dollars away from healthcare and education."
"Listen, I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, but when we in the West drew your region's borders and set you up with perfectly functioning dictatorships, um... we expected a little better."
"Look, at some point in this trial, something important and revelatory is going to happen. But none of us are going to notice, because [of] the hours spent on his speculative facial tics -- if the media tries to make us feel like the most mundane bullshit is earth-shattering, we won't believe you when it's really interesting!"
"There are no participation trophies in end-game democracy! Oh yeah, I remember FDR saying "Well, if the Nazis take over Europe, at least both teams had fun.""
"Authoritarianism and Donald Trump aren't the only threats our democracy faces -- an arthritic status quo, unable or unwilling to respond in any way to the concerns of voters who just received new and urgent information about their candidate also erodes confidence and faith in the system of government. […] Honestly, though, "Get on board or shut the fuck up" is not a particularly compelling pro-democracy bumper sticker."
"I am in no way saying Biden's gotta drop out, but can't we stress-test this candidacy? Can't we open up the conversation? Do you understand the opportunity here? Do you have any idea how thirsty Americans are for any hint of inspiration or leadership and a release from this choice of a megalomaniac and a suffocating gerontocracy. It is crushing our fucking spirits! Do you have any idea what could be ahead of you?! All we want is for someone to keep it 100. The percentage, not the age. That's all we want!"
"Wow! What a terrible fucking week. "Hey, Jon! Come back to The Daily Show, just for the election. It'll be fun! You'll do one day a week, it'll be a laurgh. What could go wrong?""
"Yes, apparently, Republicans are pro-worker now and pro-union! I hope somebody tells all the Republican governors who passed right-to-work anti-union laws in their states, and all the Republican-appointed judges who made it easier to break unions, and Donald Trump himself, who helped kill a bill that would have protected unions so they're gonna be so embarrassed at their hypocrisy!"
"How are you supposed to turn down the temperature of the rhetoric if you're not allowed to mention the rhetoric?!"
"[imitating Joe Biden] Let me-- Let me ask you something, Lester. Let me ask you this... Who's got two thumbs, Lester? An-- And is about to beat your ass?"
"I have a slight confession to make, and I am not proud of this in any way, shape, or form... but I'm following social media during all this to find out who did it because it's this pattern I feel like we now have in the country when we hear about a horrific event. You're on pins-and-needles in this sort of reverse-demographic lottery to make sure that the psychopathic shooter doesn't belong to one of your teams. [...] And we're all doing it! We're all doing it because we have to know what our posture will be on the tragedy. Will it be a haughty "I told you!" or perhaps a circumspect "Well, let's not rush to judgement. We shouldn't generalize." And then it ends up being someone we can't even fucking figure out in the first place! [...] It's a jump ball! We don't know yet who's got dibs, who wins, and none of us knows what's gonna happen next, other than, there will be another tragedy in this country, self-inflicted, by us, to us. And then we'll have this feeling again. I remember it on 9/11, this disorienting "Holy shit, stop the world, I would like to get off" feeling. And in that moment, there will be some incredible Americans who, in the midst of it, for some unknown reason, rush towards it and get us back to some sort of equilibrium. And we'll count on those folks to hold us together again. And it does remind us that, by a hair's breadth, we dodged a catastrophe. But it was still a tragedy, because one of those first responders lost his life. His name was Corey Comperatore. He was a retired fire chief in the area. He had given his life in service to his community, and he died literally shielding his family. He's a reminder that, in those moments of crisis, there are helpers. And we can all make a choice to try and be one of those people."
"19 years old and the world's already beat the shit outta ya. Innt that--? It's always the young dudes that are like, "I have a- A quick question, I'm 19 years old… When hope is gone. When the darkness slowly creeps down…""
"Part of the issue is, you just want someone to talk to you like you're a human. Like you're an adult. Not like it's work, not like they're spinning you."
"In the span of a week! Democrats have gone from a certain Trump Presidency to the joy… of a statistical tie. Which, right now, that feels like victory!"
"So sexist, saying Kamala Harris slept her way to the top! Joe Biden and Donald Trump literally slept their way to the top, and we never heard a fucking peep about it!"
"Why aren't you doing the thing that they told us that you were going to do?! With the hammer and the sickle and the bandolero shots?!"
"I swear to god, the guy running for President on the Republican ticket has morphed into a poor man's Catturd."
"Wait. She calls you on her birthday?! That is very [censored]. On her birthday, she calls you?! "Hey, girl! It's Kamala. Anything you have to say to me that you should've said hours ago?""
"They had black Americans! Hispanic Americans! Asian Americans! Gay Americans! Jewish Americans! Palestinian Ame-- Oh. Now, to be fair, it was only four nights, eight hours a night. But really, it's best not to think about the consequences of our actions over there, especially given the theme of the week."
"Whatever you're feeling? Go with it. Whether that feeling is joy, or perhaps relief at having a chance when you had none is exhilarating."
"Oh, so which is it? Do the vibes fatten you up, or are they emotional Ozempic, which one? But I guess you're right. You can't feed your family on vibes. You can only feed your family on immigration fearmongering. You can't eat good vibes! I think you might be confusing vibes with the tomato-infused soup-adjacent fondue, the weapon of mass lactation that this city calls fucking pizza! I'll tell you that much! Yeah, that's right, motherfuckers! C'mon! C'mon! You want a piece?! You want a piece?! "Ey, ey. I wanna order a pizza." "Oh, yeah, you want a personal or a backyard pool size?""
"You spent two months riling up your base that our country had literally been stolen from them through fraudulent means, that you could never even get a whiff of in a court of law, and let—let yourself just abuse them. You pressed on. You abused their trust. You showed up for a speech? You fucking tweeted ‘Join me on Jan. 6. It will be wild.’ But suddenly now: ‘I was just a hired magician to do the bar mitzvah! I didn’t do anything. I showed up with a hat and a rabbit and then the whole party went out of control!’One thing will always be true, and it is the quality of the former president I respect the least: Whenever he is cornered and forced to face even the smallest of consequences for his own mendacity and scheming, he reverts to the greatest refuge of scoundrels. As Shaggy would say, ‘It wasn’t me!’"
"I just wanna point out, just as a matter of perspective, that the lessons that our pundits take away from these results, that they will pronounce with certainty, will be wrong. And we have to remember that!"
"My point is this: FUCK! But this isn't the end! I promise you, this is not the end. And we have to regroup, and we have to continue to fight and continue to work day in and day out to create the better society for our children, for this world, for this country, that we know is possible. It's possible."
"Honestly, I don't care why she lost; I care why he won. We have spent so much time diagnosing Donald Trump and what his actions say about him. He's a dictator, he's a fascist, he's a malignant narcissist whose blood type is fryer oil. But it's pretty clear that America is the one that needs the diagnosis, because whatever's wrong with him, we fucking love it. In this moment, Donald Trump is holding up a mirror to the American people and it might be time to make a good fucking hard look."
"Wikipedia’s articles about history and religion have real-life impact on the world. What people read on Wikipedia shapes the opinions they form about politics, social justice and so forth. Therefore we need to make sure Wikipedia gets it right, and this project is going to help that goal."
"If you know how to navigate the site, Wikipedia is a uniquely transparent knowledge-sharing platform. So students get to see how the articles are developed in ways that are typically black-boxed in academia’s peer-review process or in what happens in the office of news media organizations. This makes it a great learning opportunity for identifying how bias can shape Wikipedia content, and for practicing how to intervene in those processes."
"If you're powerful and wise, you seek to bring stability and order and predictability and peace. That's what a father does in his family. That's what a good CEO does in a company. It's what a good general does."
"The idea that the only things that are real are the things that we can see or measure in a lab, that's insane. That's just dumb."
"There has to be a point at which Dad comes home. Yeah, that's right! Dad comes home. And he's pissed! Dad is pissed! He's not vengeful, he loves his children, disobedient as they may be, he loves them. Because they are his children, they live in his house. But he's very disappointed in their behaviour, and he's gonna have to let them know. He's gonna have — "Get to your room, right now! And think about what you did!" And when Dad gets home, you know what he says? You’ve been a bad girl. You’ve been a bad little girl and you’re getting a vigorous spanking right now. And, no, it’s not going to hurt me more than it hurts you. No it’s not. I’m not going to lie. It’s going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. And you earned this. You’re getting a vigorous spanking because you’ve been a bad girl, and it has to be this way."
"My position on abortion was that it should always be a woman's choice right up to the very end. In the ninth month, you're basically killing a child, right?"
Showing 50 of 262 quotes