“The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.”
“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”
Chelsea Handler
“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
Chelsea Handler
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
Chelsea Handler
“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned af...”
Chelsea Handler
“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her th...”
Chelsea Handler