“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”
Chelsea Handler
humor
More by Chelsea Handler

“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”

Chelsea Handler

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”

Chelsea Handler

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

Chelsea Handler

“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned af...”

Chelsea Handler

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her th...”

Chelsea Handler