Tina Fey, Bossypants
46 quotes
"I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years."
"My parents raised me that you never ask people about their reproductive plans. “You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold nonfood."
"[T]he definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore."
"Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions; go over, under, through, and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it."
"Ever since I became an executive producer of 30 Rock, people have asked me, 'Is it hard for you, being the boss?' And, 'Is it uncomfortable for you to be the person in charge?' You know, in that same way they say, 'Gosh, Mr. Trump, is it awkward for you to be the boss of all these people?"
"In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way."
"Don't hire anyone you wouldn't want to run into in the hallway at three in the morning."
"My dad looks like Clint Eastwood. His half-Scottish, half-German face in repose is handsome but terrifying. I searched the audience for him during the sixth-grade chorus concert and, seeing his stern expression, was convinced that he had seen me messing up the words to the Happy Days theme and that I was in big trouble. I spent the rest of the concert suppressing terror bumps, only to be given a big hug and a kiss afterward. It took me years to realize, Oh, that's just his face."
"Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that “women aren't funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups."
"You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers!"
"Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole."
"(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)"
"We spent days and weeks doing nothing, calling one another ten times a day to schedule our nothing-doing."
"What is he rudest question you can ask a woman? 'How old are you?' 'What do you weigh?' No, the worst question is 'How do you juggle it all?' people constantly ask me, with an accusatory look in their eyes. 'You're fucking it all up, aren't you?' their eyes say. My standard answer is that I have the same struggles as any working parent but with the good fortune of working my dream job."
"Was it too much to expect the rest of the world to care about grammar or pay attention to details?"
"I have one top-notch baby with whom I am in love. It's a head-over-heels "first love" kind of thing, because I pay for everything and all we do is hold hands."
"Everyone is quiet. Which is the wooooooorst. It’s scary when a group of people all know instinctively not to joke around."
"Someone should do a study of the human brain and how quickly it can adjust to luxury."
"You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it."
"It is a testament to my parents that they never reacted negatively to the four-year-long pride parade that marched through their house."
"One family, two impressively gay brothers."
"Because, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I was embraced by the gays. They loved me and praised me. I was funny and so mean and mature for my age!"
"There are different types of fancy photographers. Some are big, fun personalities like Mario Testino, who once told me, “Lift your chin, darling, you are not eighteen.” I enjoyed his honesty. Also, I’m pretty sure he says that to models who are nineteen."
"I have a strong urge to lie down and pretend this is not happening—like the old couple in Titanic."
"As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no. “No, we can’t do that.” “No, that’s not in the budget.” “No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar.” What kind of way is that to live?"