"So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder."
"Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal."
"Well, back to work. Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. (starts typing on typewriter) "Chaplin, Polański and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady." Aah! (Throws paper away, starts typing again) "Meathead, Laverne, and Opie: Great Filmmakers of Our Day." (Puts his hands to his head) AAH!"
"I am a movie critic by trade, and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go."
"So you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at. In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots."
"Well, that's all for our show tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry but there just aren't any trucking books out there."
"Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)"
"I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause) Bashful."
"I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?"
"(After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!"
"(A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!"
"I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week."
"(Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too."
"(After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie."
"I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!"
"Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?"
"(After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!"
"(While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a."
"And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!"
"This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!"
"When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you."
"It's okay Dad, money's not important."
"Now look, I'll be honest. This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends where they admit they're just using him."
"Great, welcome to our crappy family."
"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. You got a lot of laughs on The Tonight Show last night. Um ... did you mean to have your fly open the whole time?"