Russell Brand
82 quotes
Biography
"I hope it is not necessary for me to stress the platonic nature of our relationship- not platonic in the purest sense, there was no philosophical discourse, but we certainly didn't fuck, which is usually what people mean by platonic; which I bet would really piss Plato off, that for all his thinking and chatting his name has become an adjective for describing sexless trysts."
"Say I feel all sad and self-indulgent, then get stung by a wasp, my misery feels quite abstract and I long just to be in spiritual pain once more - 'damn you tiny assassin, clad in yellow and black, how I crave my former innocence where melancholy was my only trial'."
"Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies."
"And while we're on the subject of ducks, which we plainly are, the story, 'The Ugly Duckling' ought be banned as the central character wasn't a duckling or he wouldn't have grown up into a swan. He was a cygnet."
"You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish."
"[After a boxing match in which Brand punched his father hard enough for the older man to fall to his knees] Shall we go down the pub and chat up some birds? Do something we're both good at?"
"[After pleasuring a gay man named Gary in a Soho toilet] My tendencies and inclinations towards women are very, very powerful."
"When my dad left, you know, I'd give my mum hell sometimes, but really she's the one that stayed, isn't she? Poor cow, she didn't need that kind of aggravation."
"I've looked right through the Bible, start to finish, looking for the bit saying 'Jesus was the mind behind Ikea', then there's no evidence to suggest this at all."
"I saw a picture of Prince William, HRH William, in the paper today. He's going bald. I reckon by the end of next year he will be bald and I'm glad about that. Because of his playboy prince status and that, it makes me feel insecure about my own looks."
"Karl Pilkington: And I was high up. Russell Brand: I'm picturing you as a sort of vigilante Batman figure, looking down over Salford, to see if there's any crimes. Karl Pilkington: And I was in my pants. Rusell Brand: Again, like a vigilante Batman figure."
"The first time Tim Westwood did that chestbump to me, I ended up sort of cuddling his arm."
"I don't like the idea of fruit being all turned on because of cream being poured on it. How then can you eat that fruit?"
"I like pressing that emergency button on bus doors to escape."
"Russell Brand: What did you say? Trevor Lock: I just said 'ow' Russell Brand: Oh yeah, that cleared it up. He probably sank to his knees at that point and screamed 'There is no God!' You probably made him renounce the clergy. He probably went straight off after that and had it off with someone..."
"Matt Morgan: [To Russell] How have you developed pectoral muscles when you barely do anything for yourself?"
"Charles Ingram's views are so pugnacious that when I heard them, I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave, said "Open, sesame," perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got Aladdin's attention, pulled down my trousers and panties and forced a genie into my dinkle's peep hole and shouted, "Aladdin, rub the lamp! You'll get more than three wishes!" He said he wished I'd leave his cave."
"Spiral's views are so enchanting that when I heard them, I cleared off to Australia, strolled up Ayres Rock to the meditating Aborigines, pulled down my trousers and pants, polished my dinkle 'til it was as stiff as a pipe, prised its end open and shouted, "Lads, who wants a blow of my didgeridoo?!" They said they faced this ignorance from the white man on an almost daily basis."
"[On a fabricated tabloid story] The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the sky in fire 'Tara can a borrow your eyeliner please?' If you're gonna make stuff up go mental!"
"It's not really over. There's a little part of my brain that is:"
"Hmm, wa'er! If, right, your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?"
"It's like Kilroy only talking about Big Brother and there's no racism allowed."
"Blimey! Thank God my jeans are this tight- you could wear me like a puppet!"
"Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!"
"October... Is that when there's conkers?"