Robert Orben
52 quotes
Biography
Robert Orben was an American professional comedy writer and magician. He wrote multiple books on comedy, mostly collections of gags and "one-liners" originally written for his newsletter, Orben's Current Comedy, and also wrote books for magicians.
"Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years."
"President Ford used humor a great deal."
"I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff."
"In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh."
"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success."
"Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success."
"Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen."
"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself."
"To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so."
"Quit worrying about your health. It will go away."
"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."
"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."
"Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."
"Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down."
"Quit worrying about your health. It will go away."
"Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket."
"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"
"Every speaker has a mouth An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet."
"If you can laugh together, you can work together."
"My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age."
"Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator."
"Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals."