Paula Poundstone
17 quotes
Biography
"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up ’cause they’re looking for ideas."
"I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe."
"I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family."
"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
"I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?"
"I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility."
"They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float."
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess."
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
"I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings."
"I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled."
"I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings."
"I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going."
"I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California."
"Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats."
"The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer."
"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - 'cause they're looking for ideas."