Jon Stewart
85 quotes
Biography
Jon Stewart is an American comedian, writer, producer, director, progressive political commentator, actor, activist, and television host. Stewart is known as the host of the satirical news program The Daily Show on Comedy Central from 1999 to 2015 and part-time since 2024.
"You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things."
"Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake."
"Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion."
"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."
"Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively."
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
"You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena."
"If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that."
"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."
"Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car."
"Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people."
"If we amplify everything, we hear nothing."
"The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith."
"Little and hairy. But if [The New York Post] want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck."
"I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.""
"I signed up for what? I thought I was just ordering cable."
"The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor."
"You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis."
"I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay."
"If you look on their lawn, there are... it looks like a tent city of reporters. I don't know what insight they think they're going to glean from these people's grief, but if there's ever a situation where someone who's just lost their daughter has anything to say other than "this sucks," I'd be happy to see a news crew on their lawn, but until then, why are these people there?"
"This show is our own personal beliefs."
"If done for the right reasons, liberating a country from a despot, I don't see how that's immoral. Ah, done quickly, and then we all leave, yeah that's kind of... I mean, it's so much obviously more complicated than that. They're literally, if he doesn't allow inspections, we're bombing him — I'll allow inspections. If he doesn't allow them... on Tuesday — I'll allow them on Tuesday. If he doesn't serve fondue — alright, I'll serve fondue. I mean, they're gonna do anything, it's clear they cast their die, I mean, as hard as it is for Dick Cheney to get an erection, he's not gonna let this opportunity go by."
"[Robert Novak] apparently, they say, broke his hip. I think it's not the case. I believe his hip tried to escape."
"Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core."
"The American people. For their just utter patience."