Biography
"(In a tone suggesting a reference to his upbringing) I was brought up on charges."
"So how do you like my overall look? (Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)"
"You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart."
"I get all my hair products at PetCo. (Jay's hair is long, curly, and quite messy)"
"You know what burns me? Matches."
"I was born nine months premature."
"I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me.""
"It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes."
"People read me but they don't subscribe."
"After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride."
"I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."
"I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time."
"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."
"I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough."
"I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?""
"A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked."
"I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm."
"A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock."
"I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody."
"I go around slashing tire prices."
"I'm addicted to prescription glasses."
"I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights."
"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."
"I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling."
"I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger."