Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness
9 quotes
"Right now I've got just two rules to live by.Rule one: don't taunt elephants.Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.-Sergeant Schlock"
"The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?""Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!""I guess that explains their rich military history, then."
"Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.Munitions Commander? Why me?I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn"
"Hi. I'm here to enlist.You can't. You aren't human.You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."Sounds like my kind of fun.-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs"
"Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.Actually I'm finished.In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work?After a fashion....I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn"
"That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant.""Well, the elephant started it.""That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock"
"No! Wait! I've got a better idea...""Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock.""And your point is...""Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'."
"Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group."
"The spirit of the law is the least of the things we're prepared to violate."