"[to children sitting at wedding reception table] So, you can't kill the demon at the end of level six? Do you have the magic arrows? Easy, here's what you do. Hide behind the boulder. When the demon comes out of the cave, shoot him three times with the magic arrows. Then his head will start to spin. Once that happens, you jump up on the boulder, you do a flying downward thrust with the sword of doom, and that's it - level six is done."
"Oh! Oh! Oh my God! I'm sorry, I can't stop cumming, I'm sorry! Oh-ho-ho, it feels so good!"
"Jonny...? Who the fuck is Jonny?"
"Hey JP, that's a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in the Matrix?"
"My grandma drank all my pot."
"Dude, your bed's a car."
"At least I have a bush!"
"You can't get stoned and be an accountant, you make too many mistakes, you lose people millions of dollars, you get fired."
"Dude, you do know that lions eat deer, right?"
"Don't judge me, monkey!"
"[to J.P. after exiting Samantha's office] You're fuckin' weird, man."
"I didn't wanna disturb you. You were balls deep in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth."
"Yeah, I know...west west, yo."
"Don't slit your wrists, Kane. I'm here."
"There was this fire...and I was trying to save it from this baby..."
"Yeah, it was my roommates, they're crazy. They tied me up. I was like one of those little calfs at the rodeo, all helpless, and you know, right when I was about to call the police, I came...and that felt nice."
"Oh, yes! Finally, a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh my God, the wings to go with the breast. I don't know what you are but I'm gonna fucking eat you, too."
"[while playing video game] This is like if Tyson fought an infant."
"Ooh, dinner time. Oh, Fuck! Damn! Cocksucking fucker ass fuck! Ohhh! Goddamn it!"
"Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a bear. Yeah, I have a bear."
"I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in the world right now."
"You were a dirty old whore."
"My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I can talk to other car beds."
"I'll run over your attitude. It sucks."
"Line up, you fuckin' nerds. Who wants a shot at the champ?!"