Emo Philips
48 quotes
Biography
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."
"I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill."
"I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind..."
"Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!""
"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."
"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
"People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce."
"My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets..."
"When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them."
"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."
"You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!"
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day."
"I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse.""
"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?""
"The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.""
"Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy."
"Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball."
"I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen."
"I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me."
"My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading."
"I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!" <!-- (54) -->"
"I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." <!-- (55) -->"
"When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me."