Elayne Boosler
26 quotes
Biography
Elayne Boosler is an American comedian, writer, and actress.
"People lose their senses at the beach 'cause the sun beats down too hard. They say things that just don't gel, you know. Well, you've heard this a lot: "Pick up a shell - oh, you can hear the ocean!" You could pick up a bicycle and hear the ocean - you're at the beach. Put the shell down, you'll hear the ocean twice as loud."
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone."
"I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'"
"I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'"
"I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food."
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."
"Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?"
"I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent."
"I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'"
"Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying."
"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born."
"Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?"
"I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'"
"I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'"
"I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots."
"I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food."
"I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent."
"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
"I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body."
"I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other."
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me."
"For a single woman preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton."
"My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions."