Doug Stanhope
61 quotes
Biography
"Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked."
"Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bottom line is that it isn't governments place. You own your body. No legislation should infringe on that."
"The word addiction is used far too liberally in our society and I shy away from it. If I have any addiction, it would be nicotine. I would say alcohol is more of a compulsive habit for me. I have used different narcotics for roughly 20 years and I have always used them socially, sporadically and usually sparingly. I use cocaine occasionally and sometimes medicinally - before a third show Saturday, a bump of coke can make the difference between a strong performance and just phoning it in - and I've never developed any type of habit, never craved it the next day. I will use hallucinogens a few times a year as well, always in a safe environment. So far as an "early grave," I'm more concerned with quality of life. No sense in having a mint condition classic car if you're afraid to take it out of the garage. I look as sadly at people awash in hand-sanitizer and surgical masks in elevators as they might see me when I'm pouring booze down my head on stage."
"Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think, "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it. Vice cops don't fight real crime. That's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party."
"I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to A.A. than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse."
"Life is like animal porn. It's not for everyone."
"Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie. If you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early."
"Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people they're silly and fucking irritating."
"I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job."
"It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us."
"Does anyone get upset that George Bush keeps quoting the bible in all his fucking speeches? Does that get on anyone's last nerve? Does it ever occur to him that it's all those stupid fucking religions that start all this shit in the first place? National day of prayer? Fuck you! You think you're doing something? You're not. You can sit at home and cry jinx and keep your fingers crossed, too; it does as much good. You wanna pray? Pray all day. Pray on your own time. You wanna help? Grab a shovel and start digging there, pinwheel, 'cause it looks like your god takes Tuesdays off."
"If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt?"
""Drugs support terrorism"? No, your SUV supports terrorism."
"I had a girl say this to me. She goes, "You know, if God intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate." I said, "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry.""
"I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game. Have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!"
""A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dogshit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north"? No, it's because you got a silly, placebo religion, 'cause you don't want to admit that you don't fucking know."
"Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fuckin' tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!"
"America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't mean you're good."
"The problem with this country is that old folks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote."
"If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body. If it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" [miming a pump-action shotgun] stop me!"
"All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason. It gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs...and more holes, that's what you ladies need!"
"There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs."
"Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist."
"With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime."
"If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go, "Baby, this shit we got together, it's so good, we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment 'tweenst us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!""