Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

"If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it."

Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

"Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism."

Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

"Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking."

Dave Barry, Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland