"If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder."
"To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken."
"Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god."
"I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep."
"Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer."
"I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy."
"She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert."
"If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal."
"I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed."