Bill Burr
17 quotes
Biography
"They say you don't want to meet your heroes, but those two guys, you do want to meet them, because they do not disappoint. Walken has this amazing sense of humor, and Pacino is like just a sweetheart of a guy."
"My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious."
"Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice. – You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!""
"Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful."
"There's a critical point, when you've stayed single too long, that your brain switches from "No, don't say that" to "Eh, fuck it. Say it, see what happens.""
"I am so pro-swine flu it's ridiculous. We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won't let her do it."
"(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) I did roofing in the middle of July as a redhead. I thought that THAT was difficult. But these mothers are bending over at the waist, putting DVDs into DVD players... I don't know how they do it!"
"(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job, alright? You're 35 years old playing hide and go seek... you're living the dream! No time card, no taxes... you're off the fucking grid!"
"Rub one out like a man, it's the champagne of victory."
"Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse? Sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe."
"The amount of people that are struggling out there because of these fucking billionaires, and they got us all arguing liberal and conservative. We gotta stop doing that, like I am so tired of hearing about people going to bed worried about what’s going to happen next week. There is so much fucking money in this country, and there is so much work being done. And if you work a whole fucking week at a job, you should be able to pay your fucking rent. You shouldn’t have to go out and get another fucking job and still be struggling. It’s bad for the country 'cause the kids don’t see their parents and they’re not getting the upbringing they need. These fucking billionaires! They need to be put down, you know? Like fucking rabid dogs They’re rabid with fucking greed, and just going out and just dividing everybody."
"Stand up comedy is this thing you get to do, so you have to treat it with respect. You can't just be like, 'Alright, I got my hour down, people are coming to see me now. Now, I'm going to lean on the mike stand.' No, you gotta work even harder now. You got to top what you already did. Because they'll find someone else."
"You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it."
"My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who's logged more hours than that guy."
"I gotta be honest with you. I'm kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?"
"Did you ever spell a word so bad that your spell check has absolutely no clue what you're trying to spell? What do you end up getting, you end up getting, like, a question mark. You got a million dollars of technology just looking back at you like, 'You got me, buddy. Which is pretty amazing because I have all the words.'"
"I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle."